Developing a Relationship Between Adoptive Parents and Birth Moms
When I first contacted Jared and Rebecca about placing Bryce with them, I honestly didn’t know where to start. I felt like I had so many questions, but what questions were the right ones to ask? How do I start a conversation with someone who could potentially be in my life forever? And I am sure on the flip side of that, adoptive parents feel the same way, wondering what to say and what questions to ask a potential birth mother.
Developing a relationship with Bryce’s parents for me was just like any other relationship. We are all humans, we all have likes and dis-likes, and we all have feelings and fear just as much as the next person. What really helped me get to know them, was the ability to e-mail and just ask silly questions that weren’t deep, but that were fun and helped me realize that they were just as normal and human as I was. We asked questions about music, hobbies, sports teams, work, and favorite foods. Things that didn’t really matter in the long run but really meant a lot as we were able to be comfortable around each other. Later on, we asked more questions that did have more substantial meaning, like how life was for them growing up, how open they wanted the adoption to be, how open I wanted the adoption to be, how my life was growing up, and what our families were like. Asking all of those questions, and I am sure countless more, helped us be able to develop a really good relationship.
Just like any other relationship you have, you both have to work on it to make it work. Rebecca and Jared aren’t mind readers they have no idea when I am having a hard day, they have no clue when I just am feeling a little empty and would love to hear about Bryce, but because of the relationship that we have made with each other, I know that I can just text either of them, and a picture or phone call will come soon and make my day easier to get through.
Not every relationship is the same, and not every adoption is going to be the same. It is easy to compare other people’s relationships and wonder why my relationship isn’t like that. Why doesn’t my adoptive couple do that? Your relationship is what matters the most not what others are doing; if you need more from them, just tell them. Having open and honest communication is such a huge part of adoption. Realize no one is perfect, and no one can read your mind. You have to talk and you have to listen in order for any relationship to work.
I am so grateful for the relationship I have with Jared and Rebecca. I am grateful to have them not only as Bryce’s parents but also as a part of my family. They are truly my friends, and I am grateful to know that I can talk to them openly. I am grateful for the trust and respect we have for each other. I am thankful for our open adoption, it has truly blessed my life.