How Do We Build a Relationship With an Expectant Mother Before Placement?
Being chosen by an expectant mother can bring emotions that are difficult to describe.
You may feel excited. Relieved. Nervous. Hopeful.
And underneath all of those feelings may be one persistent thought:
It’s okay if the first conversations feel awkward
You may have imagined meeting an expectant mother many times while waiting to adopt. However, the actual experience can feel very different.
What should you ask?
How much should you talk about yourselves?
Should you talk about the baby?
What happens if there is an uncomfortable silence?
You don’t have to create an instant connection. Relationships usually develop through ordinary conversations, not one perfect meeting.
Ask about her interests. Listen to what she wants to share. Tell her about yourselves. Allow the conversation to move naturally rather than treating it like an interview.
You are getting to know a person; not completing another step on an adoption checklist.
Remember that “matched” doesn’t mean “placed”
This distinction is especially important.
You may already be picturing bringing the baby home. Your extended family may be excited. You may even be preparing a nursery or thinking about names.
For the expectant mother, however, the situation can look very different.
She is still pregnant.
And until the appropriate legal steps occur after birth, she remains the parent making decisions for her child.
That means adoptive parents should be thoughtful about language and expectations before placement.
Instead of talking as though the adoption is guaranteed, leave room for uncertainty.
That doesn’t mean you can’t feel hopeful.
It means your hope shouldn’t become something she feels responsible for protecting.
Let her set the pace
Every expectant mother will have different preferences about communication.
One woman may enjoy texting frequently.
Another may prefer occasional conversations.
Someone else may want most communication to happen through her caseworker at first.
Try not to interpret the amount of communication as a measure of how she feels about you.
Instead, ask what feels comfortable.
Something as simple as asking, “How would you like us to stay in touch?” gives her an opportunity to establish the pace.
That can become an important foundation for a future open adoption relationship as well.
Our guide How Do We Prepare for Open Adoption? discusses some of the expectations adoptive couples can begin thinking about before placement.
Get to know her beyond the adoption
It can be easy for every conversation to revolve around pregnancy and adoption.
But those aren’t the only things happening in her life.
She may have other children.
She may be working or attending school.
She has hobbies, favorite foods, funny stories, family relationships, frustrations, plans, and everyday responsibilities.
When appropriate, get to know those parts of her too.
The goal isn’t to collect information about your child’s birth mother.
It’s simply to know the person in front of you.
If an adoption does occur, those conversations may eventually become meaningful pieces of your child’s story.
Be careful about promises
When you care about someone, it’s natural to want to reassure them.
You might find yourself wanting to say:
“You can visit whenever you want.”
“We’ll always be incredibly close.”
“Nothing will ever change.”
Those promises may come from a sincere place, but none of you can know exactly what life will look like five, ten, or fifteen years from now.
Instead, have honest conversations about the kind of relationship you hope to build.
Discuss pictures, updates, visits, calls, texts, and other expectations specifically.
Open adoption relationships can evolve as children grow and circumstances change. Your recent article about open adoption contact explains some of the different ways ongoing communication may look.
Don’t make her carry your anxiety
Waiting after you’ve been chosen can be emotionally difficult.
You may wonder whether she is reconsidering adoption.
A missed text may suddenly feel significant.
A change in plans might make you nervous.
Those feelings are understandable, but the expectant mother shouldn’t have to continually reassure you that she still intends to place.
Turn to your spouse or partner, trusted support people, your caseworker, or other appropriate resources when you need help managing the uncertainty.
You can care deeply about her while still recognizing that your emotional needs and hers are different during this stage.
What if she changes her mind?
This may be the hardest possibility for prospective adoptive parents to hold alongside their excitement.
An expectant mother considering adoption is making an enormous decision.
She needs room to make that decision without feeling that changing her mind would mean disappointing you.
You can hope that a placement occurs while also respecting her right to make decisions for herself and her baby.
Those two things can exist together.
And if her decision changes, that doesn’t mean the relationship you built with her was meaningless.
Should we give her gifts?
Small, thoughtful gestures may sometimes feel natural as a relationship develops, but adoptive couples should talk with their adoption professional before giving gifts or providing anything of significant value.
There can be ethical, agency, and legal considerations surrounding financial assistance and gifts during an adoption.
Rather than assuming, ask your caseworker what is appropriate for your particular situation.
What should we talk about before placement?
You don’t have to cover everything in one conversation.
Over time, however, it can be helpful to discuss:
- What communication feels comfortable now
- What each person hopes an open adoption might look like
- Expectations surrounding pictures and updates
- Possibilities for future visits
- Hospital preferences and boundaries
- How you hope to talk with your child about adoption
- How birth family will be represented in your home
- Questions either side may have about the future
These aren’t negotiations to “win.”
They’re opportunities to discover whether expectations are compatible and where more conversation may be needed.
Give her space to have complicated feelings
An expectant mother can genuinely like you and still struggle with adoption.
She can laugh with you at lunch and cry later that evening.
She can talk excitedly about something she hopes to do with your family in the future while still questioning whether placement is the right decision.
Those emotions don’t necessarily contradict one another.
Try not to make every difficult emotion a signal that something has gone wrong.
Sometimes the most supportive response is simply listening.
The National Council For Adoption also provides educational resources for prospective adoptive parents and families who want to better understand adoption as a lifelong experience.
Frequently Asked Questions
How often should we contact an expectant mother after we’re matched?
There isn’t one appropriate amount of contact for every relationship. Ask what type and frequency of communication feels comfortable to her and follow guidance from your adoption professional.
Should we call her a birth mother before placement?
Many adoption professionals use “expectant mother” or “expectant parent” before placement because she has not yet placed her child for adoption. Following the language she prefers can also be respectful.
Can we talk about open adoption before the baby is born?
Yes. Conversations before placement can help everyone understand expectations surrounding pictures, updates, calls, visits, and other future contact.
Forever Bound Adoption is a licensed adoption agency serving Utah and Idaho.
For more information about adoption services in Utah and Idaho, call or text Forever Bound Adoption at (801)-821-1354 or email [email protected]