Can I Choose How Much Contact I Have After Adoption?
If you’re considering adoption, you may be wondering what happens after placement.
Will you receive pictures? Can you talk with your child? Can you visit? Will you still know how they are doing?
For many expectant mothers, these questions are an important part of considering adoption.
Today, adoption does not always mean saying goodbye and never having contact again. Open adoption can allow birth parents and adoptive families to stay connected after placement.
Most importantly, you can talk about the kind of relationship you hope to have as you create your adoption plan.
What is open adoption?
Open adoption generally means there is some level of ongoing contact between a birth family and an adoptive family.
However, open adoption doesn’t look exactly the same for every family.
Contact might include:
- Pictures and updates
- Text messages or emails
- Phone or video calls
- Letters
- In-person visits
- Contact through an adoption caseworker
- A combination of several types of communication
Some birth mothers want frequent contact. Others prefer occasional updates or more space after placement.
Your feelings may also change as you learn more about your options.
Can I decide how much contact I want?
Your preferences matter.
When creating an adoption plan, you can discuss what you hope your relationship with your child and the adoptive family will look like after placement.
For example, you may want pictures several times a year. You might hope for visits. Or you may prefer less direct communication.
Talking about these expectations before placement helps everyone understand what matters to you.
If you’re just beginning to think through these decisions, read What Does an Adoption Plan Actually Include?.
Do I have to choose an open adoption?
No.
Some women want a very open relationship with the adoptive family. Others feel more comfortable with limited or indirect contact.
There isn’t one level of openness that is right for every birth mother.
Instead, think about what feels comfortable for you.
A caseworker can explain different possibilities without requiring you to make an immediate decision.
Can I choose the adoptive family based on openness?
If you decide to move forward with adoption, choosing an adoptive family can be an important part of the process.
You can learn about waiting families and consider more than their home, interests, or lifestyle.
You can also think about their views on open adoption.
Before placement, conversations about future contact can help you understand whether your expectations are compatible.
You may also have the opportunity to meet a prospective adoptive family before making a decision. Learn more in Can I Meet the Adoptive Family Before I Decide?.
What should I ask an adoptive family about future contact?
It can be difficult to know what to ask when you’re meeting prospective adoptive parents.
However, specific questions can make the conversation easier.
You might ask:
- How often do you imagine sharing updates?
- Would you be comfortable with visits?
- How do you picture explaining adoption to your child?
- How would you talk about me and my family?
- Would you be comfortable exchanging texts or phone calls?
- How might contact change as the child gets older?
- What does open adoption mean to you?
Their answers can help you determine whether you share similar expectations.
You don’t need to agree on every small detail immediately. However, honest conversations can help build a stronger foundation.
What if I don’t know what I want yet?
You don’t have to have everything figured out when you first contact an adoption agency.
In fact, you may not know whether you want adoption at all.
You can learn about adoption in Utah or Idaho, ask questions, look at adoptive-family profiles, and talk about different levels of openness before deciding what feels right.
Contacting an agency doesn’t commit you to placement. We explain this further in What If I Contact an Adoption Agency and Change My Mind?.
What if I’m worried the adoptive parents won’t want me around?
This is a fear some expectant mothers have when considering adoption.
However, families pursuing open adoption generally understand that a child’s birth family remains an important part of their story.
That doesn’t mean every adoptive family approaches openness in exactly the same way.
Therefore, learning about families and having honest conversations before placement matters.
You deserve the opportunity to ask how prospective adoptive parents view birth-family relationships rather than assuming what they might want.
Can contact change as my child grows?
Relationships naturally change over time.
A plan that works when a child is an infant may look different when that child is five, ten, or sixteen.
Distance, schedules, family circumstances, and the child’s needs may also affect communication.
For that reason, healthy open adoption relationships often require ongoing communication, flexibility, and respect.
The goal isn’t necessarily to predict exactly what every year will look like. Instead, it is to begin with honest expectations and a commitment to communicate.
What if contact feels emotional after placement?
Even when adoption is the decision you believe is best, post-placement contact can bring complicated emotions.
You may feel happiness when you receive a picture and sadness at the same time.
You may look forward to a visit and still find the days afterward difficult.
Those feelings can exist together.
Support shouldn’t automatically stop once placement occurs. Your caseworker can continue to be a resource as you adjust to life after placement and navigate your relationship with the adoptive family.
The National Council For Adoption also provides information and resources about adoption and lifelong adoption relationships.
What about privacy?
Open adoption doesn’t mean giving up all of your privacy.
You can discuss what information you feel comfortable sharing and how you would like communication to happen.
For example, some people communicate directly. Others may initially feel more comfortable communicating through an adoption professional.
Privacy is another reason to talk openly about expectations while you’re developing your adoption plan.
What if I’m pregnant and just starting to consider adoption?
You don’t need to know whether you want an open, semi-open, or more private adoption before asking questions.
You also don’t have to be certain about adoption.
Whether you’re experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, searching for information because you’re pregnant and don’t want a baby, or simply wondering whether adoption might be one of your options, you can start by learning.
Forever Bound Adoption’s I’m Pregnant page is a good place to begin.
You can ask questions privately and take the time you need to think about your options.
Your adoption plan should reflect what matters to you
Choosing adoption involves many decisions.
Who you choose as an adoptive family and what you hope your relationship will look like afterward can be part of those decisions.
You don’t need to determine everything at once.
Ask questions. Learn about your options. Talk honestly about what you hope for.
Then you can decide what feels right for you and your baby.
Forever Bound Adoption is a licensed adoption agency serving Utah and Idaho.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a birth mother still see her child after adoption?
Depending on the adoption and the contact arrangements made with the adoptive family, ongoing contact may include pictures, messages, phone calls, or in-person visits. Open adoption relationships vary from family to family.
Can I choose an adoptive family that wants an open adoption?
You can consider a family’s views about openness when choosing prospective adoptive parents. Talking about future communication before placement can help determine whether your expectations are compatible.
Do I have to have visits after adoption?
Not every birth mother wants the same amount or type of contact. You can discuss your preferences with your caseworker while creating your adoption plan.
Can I change my mind about how much contact I want?
Your feelings about contact may evolve over time. Because open adoption involves an ongoing relationship, communication between birth parents and adoptive parents is important when circumstances or needs change.
Can I ask about open adoption without deciding to place my baby?
Yes. Asking questions and learning about open adoption doesn’t mean you’ve decided to place your baby. You can explore your options before making an adoption decision.
For more information call or text Forever Bound Adoption at (801)-821-1354 or email [email protected]