What If I Like More Than One Adoptive Family?
Choosing an adoptive family can feel like one of the biggest decisions in an adoption plan.
But what happens when you look at several profiles and like more than one family?
Maybe one couple feels familiar and comfortable. Another has the family life you pictured for your child. Perhaps both seem kind, stable, and excited to become parents.
If you’re stuck between two families, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Sometimes it simply means you’ve found more than one family you feel good about.
Start with what matters most to you
Before comparing families, think about the things that matter most to you.
That might include:
- Where they live
- Whether they have other children
- Religion or family values
- Education
- Extended family relationships
- Lifestyle and interests
- How they plan to talk about adoption
- Their feelings about open adoption
- The amount of future contact they hope to have
You don’t need to choose the family that looks the most impressive on paper.
Instead, think about the life you hope your child will have and which qualities matter most to you.
If you’re still figuring out your preferences, What Does an Adoption Plan Actually Include? can help you think through some of those choices.
Look beyond the adoptive family profile
Profiles are designed to introduce you to waiting families. However, it’s difficult to understand someone’s personality completely through pictures and written information.
If you feel comfortable, meeting or talking with the families you’re considering may help.
Notice how the conversation feels.
Do they listen to you?
Can you ask difficult questions?
Do you feel respected?
Do their answers feel natural and genuine?
You may discover that a family you liked on paper feels even more comfortable in person or that another family is a better fit than you expected.
Our guide What Should I Ask an Adoptive Family Before I Choose Them? includes questions you can bring to those conversations.
Compare the things that will matter later
It’s easy to compare houses, vacations, hobbies, or photographs.
However, some of the most important differences may be less obvious.
For example, ask each family what open adoption means to them.
Would they be comfortable sharing pictures?
What about texting or calling?
How do they feel about visits?
How will they talk with your child about you?
If staying connected after placement matters to you, these conversations may help make the decision clearer.
You can learn more about future communication in Can I Choose How Much Contact I Have After Adoption?.
Don’t look for a “perfect” family
There probably isn’t one family who checks every possible box.
One family may live closer.
Another may have the extended family you’ve imagined.
One may share your interests, while another may have a parenting style that really connects with you.
Choosing an adoptive family isn’t about finding flawless people.
It’s about finding people you feel comfortable considering for your child.
Give yourself permission to take more time
You don’t necessarily have to decide immediately.
You may want to look at the profiles again.
You might ask another question.
Perhaps you’d like a second phone call or meeting.
Or you may simply need a day to think without talking about adoption at all.
Your caseworker can help you work through what you’re considering without making the choice for you.
What if I’m afraid of hurting the family I don’t choose?
This can make the decision especially emotional.
If you’ve spoken with more than one prospective adoptive family, you may worry about disappointing someone.
Remember that you aren’t choosing between families to decide who deserves to become parents.
You’re making a deeply personal decision about your baby and your adoption plan.
Your responsibility is not to protect every waiting family’s feelings.
Your responsibility is to take the time you need to make the decision that feels right for you.
What if I still can’t decide?
Go back to the beginning.
Ask yourself:
What matters most to me for my child?
Then look at each family through that lens.
You can also talk privately with your caseworker about what you like, what concerns you, and what you still don’t know.
Sometimes saying those things out loud helps you recognize which details actually matter to you.
You are allowed to take your time
Finding more than one adoptive family you like can make choosing harder, but it can also mean you have several possibilities you feel good about.
Ask more questions.
Have another conversation if you need one.
Think about the relationship you hope to have after placement.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to make the decision thoughtfully rather than quickly.
Forever Bound Adoption is a licensed adoption agency serving Utah and Idaho.
If you’re experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, considering adoption, or simply trying to understand your options, visit our I’m Pregnant page.
You can also call or text (801) 821-1354 or email [email protected] to talk privately with a caseworker.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I talk to more than one adoptive family?
Depending on your situation and agency process, you may be able to learn about or speak with more than one prospective family before deciding. Talk with your caseworker about the options available to you.
What should I compare when choosing adoptive parents?
Consider the things that matter most to you, such as family life, values, parenting, location, other children, extended family, and expectations for open adoption and future contact.
Do I have to choose the family with the most money or biggest house?
No. Material things are only one small part of a family’s life. Consider the overall environment, relationships, values, parenting approach, and connection you feel with the family.
What if I change my mind about the family I chose?
If you have concerns or your feelings change, talk with your caseworker. Asking questions or expressing uncertainty is important, particularly before placement.