What Should I Ask an Adoptive Family Before I Choose Them?
Meeting a prospective adoptive family can feel like a big moment.
You may be nervous. You may be curious. You may even wonder how you’re supposed to know whether a family feels right.
You don’t need to walk into the meeting with everything figured out.
And you don’t need to impress them.
They are there for you to get to know, too.
If you’re considering adoption, meeting prospective adoptive parents gives you an opportunity to move beyond a profile and learn what they are actually like.
Knowing some questions to ask adoptive parents beforehand can make that conversation a little easier.
You don’t have to choose a family based only on a profile
Profiles can tell you a lot.
You may see pictures of a couple’s home, family, hobbies, pets, vacations, or everyday life. You may learn about their jobs, values, relationship, and reasons for wanting to adopt.
However, a profile can’t answer every question.
That’s one reason meeting an adoptive family can be valuable.
You can hear them talk about their lives in their own words. You can ask follow-up questions. Most importantly, you can pay attention to how you feel when you’re with them.
If you’re still wondering whether you’re ready for that step, read Can I Meet the Adoptive Family Before I Decide?.
What is everyday life like in your family?
You don’t have to begin with the biggest adoption questions.
Sometimes ordinary questions tell you the most.
Ask what a normal weekday looks like.
What do they like to do on weekends?
Do they spend a lot of time with extended family?
What traditions matter to them?
What is their neighborhood like?
Do they travel?
What do they enjoy doing at home?
You’re not looking for a “perfect” lifestyle. You’re trying to understand what everyday life might look like for a child in their family.
Why do you want to adopt?
It’s okay to ask prospective adoptive parents why they chose adoption.
Their answer may help you understand more about their journey and what becoming parents through adoption means to them.
You might also ask how long they’ve been considering adoption or what they’ve learned during the process.
You don’t have to ask every question at once. Let the conversation develop naturally.
What kind of parents do you hope to be?
This can lead to a meaningful conversation.
You might ask:
- What values do you hope to teach your child?
- How do you handle disagreements?
- What does discipline mean in your family?
- What role does religion or faith play in your home?
- How important is education?
- How do you spend time together as a family?
- What did you learn from your own parents that you hope to carry forward?
There isn’t one set of “correct” answers.
Instead, listen for whether their values and approach feel compatible with what matters to you.
How does your family feel about adoption?
An adoptive child may grow up surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends.
Therefore, you may want to know how those people view adoption too.
Have they talked with their families about open adoption?
Will the child’s birth family be spoken about respectfully?
How will they explain adoption to other children in the family?
Those conversations can tell you something about the environment surrounding the prospective adoptive parents.
How will you talk to my child about me?
This can be one of the most important questions to ask adoptive parents.
You may want to know how they plan to talk about adoption as their child grows.
Will adoption be discussed openly?
How will they explain who you are?
Will your child know that you loved them?
How will they answer questions about their birth family?
Their answers can help you understand how they view your place in the child’s story.
What does open adoption mean to you?
The phrase open adoption can mean different things to different people.
Don’t be afraid to ask for specifics.
For example:
- How often do you picture sharing pictures?
- Would you be comfortable texting?
- What about phone or video calls?
- How do you feel about visits?
- Would you want visits at your home or somewhere else?
- How might contact change as the child grows?
- What happens if we live far apart?
You may already know exactly what you hope for.
Or you may still be figuring that out.
Either is okay.
Our article Can I Choose How Much Contact I Have After Adoption? explains more about the different ways contact may look after placement.
Ask what happens when things don’t go according to plan
Not every important question needs to be about the happy moments.
Life changes.
Families move. Jobs change. Relationships experience stress. Children have unexpected needs.
You might ask prospective adoptive parents how they handle difficult situations together.
How do they communicate when they disagree?
Who supports them when life gets hard?
Questions like these can help you learn about a family in a deeper way.
You can ask personal questions and have boundaries of your own
Meeting adoptive parents is personal.
It’s reasonable to have questions about their relationship, home, parenting plans, family, beliefs, or lifestyle.
At the same time, you don’t have to answer every personal question they ask you.
You can decide what you’re comfortable sharing.
If something feels too private, you can say you’d rather not discuss it yet.
Your caseworker can also help navigate uncomfortable questions or conversations.
Pay attention to how they listen
The answers matter.
But so does the way the prospective adoptive parents interact with you.
Do they listen when you speak?
Do they seem interested in knowing you as a person?
Can you ask difficult questions?
Do they respect your opinions?
Do you feel rushed?
Do you feel as though you’re allowed to disagree?
A relationship can’t be predicted from one meeting. Still, noticing how you feel during the conversation can give you useful information.
What if the meeting feels awkward?
That doesn’t automatically mean you’ve chosen the wrong family.
Everyone may be nervous.
Prospective adoptive parents may be worried about saying the wrong thing. You may be trying to process your own emotions at the same time.
There may be quiet moments.
You may leave and suddenly remember five questions you wish you had asked.
That’s okay.
You can ask for another conversation.
You can send questions later.
And you can talk privately with your caseworker about how the meeting felt.
You do not have to decide at the meeting
This is especially important.
Meeting prospective adoptive parents does not mean you have committed to placing your baby with them.
You can like a family and still need time.
You can have a wonderful meeting and still feel uncertain about adoption.
You can also decide that a family isn’t the right fit for you.
Your feelings matter.
If you’re still working through the bigger decisions surrounding adoption, What Does an Adoption Plan Actually Include? explains some of the choices you may be able to consider as you create your plan.
What should I think about after the meeting?
Afterward, give yourself some space to process what happened.
You might ask yourself:
- Did I feel comfortable being myself?
- Did I feel listened to?
- Could I imagine talking with this family again?
- Did their ideas about open adoption match mine?
- How did they talk about birth families?
- Were there answers that made me uncomfortable?
- What do I still want to know?
- Do I need another meeting?
- Do I need more time?
You don’t have to evaluate a family alone.
Your caseworker can help you talk through the meeting without making the decision for you.
What if I’m afraid of disappointing them?
You are not responsible for protecting a prospective adoptive family’s hopes.
Adoptive couples may be excited about the possibility of becoming parents. However, you still need space to make your own decisions.
You should be able to ask questions, express uncertainty, request more time, or decide not to move forward without feeling responsible for someone else’s emotions.
A healthy relationship begins with respect on both sides.
This meeting is for you, too
It can be easy to feel as though prospective adoptive parents are deciding whether they like you.
Remember that you are also getting to know them.
Ask the questions that matter to you.
Pay attention to their answers.
Take your time.
And don’t worry about creating the perfect conversation.
You’re simply learning more so you can make the decisions that feel right for you and your baby.
Forever Bound Adoption is a licensed adoption agency serving Utah and Idaho.
If you’re experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, considering adoption, or simply trying to understand your options, visit our I’m Pregnant page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to meet an adoptive family before choosing them?
The process can vary, but meeting or communicating with a prospective family can give you another opportunity to ask questions and get to know them beyond their profile. Your caseworker can explain the options available in your situation.
What if I don’t know what to ask?
That’s okay. Your caseworker can help you prepare questions beforehand. You can also bring a written list so you don’t have to remember everything during the meeting.
Can I meet an adoptive family more than once?
Depending on the circumstances, additional conversations or meetings may be possible. If you leave with more questions, tell your caseworker you’d like more information or another opportunity to talk.
Can I ask about open adoption during the first meeting?
Yes. If future contact matters to you, discussing expectations about pictures, updates, calls, texts, and visits can help you understand how the prospective family views openness.
What if I like the family but I’m still unsure about adoption?
Liking a prospective adoptive family and deciding whether to place your baby are separate things. You can appreciate the family and still take the time you need to think about your pregnancy and adoption decision.
For more information about adoption services in Utah and Idaho, call or text Forever Bound Adoption at (801)-821-1354 or email [email protected]